It's that time of year again...

(c) http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/northeast

I do not believe in New Years Resolutions.

A bold statement I know, but I have always believed that you should not wait for the calendar to tell you that you can try and become the person that you want to be, it should not be the addition of a number to the year that gives you permission to change. If you really want to make a difference, make a change in yourself or the way you live your life, that should be when you are ready to do it. It is harder to do when you have to set your own limits, but you will want to stick to it more, if you are ready to change, change, don't just wait for society to say 'give it a try, but you know you won't get further than January 18th'.

At this time of year though, I do like to look back, to see where the last year has taken me, and to see what I have learnt, then I know what I can take into the new year, and what I know I will want to change, or develop at some point in the year. I cannot moan about something I cannot change, and if I can change it, do it, do not moan.

2011 was a pretty significant year for me, I did not get married (2010), I did not move country (2008), I did not start a new job (2008). But I did move house, less than a mile down the road, in January 2011, and it is just where we want to be, my health is no longer in question, and this is a big step in itself.

2011 instead, was about me growing as a person.

in 2011, I completed a triathlon (1.33) and I didn't die (though the run was particularly hideous) and I am even considering doing a slightly longer/outside one in 2012. The triathlon was the challenge I set myself, I wanted to push my body physically, and mentally. I wanted to prove that I was not just average at everything, I didn't want to win, I didn't do it to see where I placed, but I did it to test whether I had the strength of character to train for something, to commit to something, and to raise money for something I believed in. (£500.00 for Stonewall UK.)

2011 was also the year that I bit the bullet and ventured back into Rugby. I have always loved the game, and for a long time (after coming back from the USA and getting injured) I thought I would settle to just watch, never to really be able to play again, but in July I bit the bullet and joined a team, it was a big step for me, I am not very good at meeting new people, and I am very aware that I do not have the skills/talents to be brilliant. But I took a chance to spend a few hours a week with a lovely bunch of girls, and learn each week about the game I love, and know, that once I am fit again, I could play for them, well that just fills me with hope, and joy and a hell of a lot of nerves, but I don't think that is a bad thing.

2011 was the year that I started to fix myself, mentally and physically. I have seen a Chiropractor and a Counsellor (finally, a 6 month waiting list on the NHS after all). I have accepted that I was not being the best me that I can be, and I was suffering because of it. It is not an easy road, there are exercises, physical and mental, and there is pain, but it seems to be working, gradually, I am starting to like the person that I could become.

2011, I tried to finish my novel, at least to have the word count, but alas, life got in the way, Nanowrimo did not fit well into my life, November is a rather busy month, but I wrote 20,000 words, and realised just how I wanted the story to end, I feel that this might even be the better outcome than the 100'000 completed. I know where Annie is going, and who she has become, I like her as a character, finally.

And so to 2012...

I have a few things that I know, when I am ready, I want to work on over the coming year.

In 2012, I want to get the word count for my novel written, I do not want to commit to actually having a first draft written, because this is meant to be something that I enjoy, and I am aware that when you sit at a desk for 35 hours a week doing the inevitable things that come with earning a wage, you don't want to sit in front of a different computer (although if Fleetwood arrives in 2012 I may never want to go away from her.)

In 2012 (health pending) I would like to do another Triathlon, preferably one that has an outdoor (or longer than 400m) swim. After completing the one in 2011 I felt good, and strong, and I want to try and improve my time, it's a wonderful challenge (and the general tri season is luckily in the off season for rugby...).

In 2012, I want to enjoy the Olympics, this might seem like a daft thing to suggest, after all I am not competing, but I do have tickets, and I am taking the two weeks off. I want to be able to take the time to revel in the fact that it is in my own country. I love sport. I love watching sport. And I love experiencing new things with my wonderful wife. So, in 2012 I am going to take advantage of this event, not worry about the little pennies, and be a GBR supporter.

In 2012, I am going to be stronger, mentally, physically, emotionally. I am going to be braver, not all the time, because that is not achieveable, but I am going to take advantage of any situation, and sometimes, just when I think it would be easier, I am going to try and push through, and see what comes of it. I cannot consider myself lonely if I lock myself away.

... and finally, in 2012, and I going to be the best wife I can be, she has supported me through the most wonderful 6 years together, and the most magical 18 months of marriage, so I reckon I am going to try and be the best damn wife I can be.

So, 2011 was a big year, and I hope 2012 is one too, I hope that I can continue to find my poetry muse, and enjoy life, and revel in the little surprises (a tax rebait cheque arriving on the 27th December is one of them) that life can present.

Fancy coming along for the ride?

IPx

The look on your face suggests that this is a bad idea...

It is remarkably rewarding, being sent a PDF certificate that says winner across it, even if you have to make sure your name is filled in correctly and then print it out yourself. That certificate lives atop my CD shelves and I only glance at it from time to time, it used to live in the toilet, hung delicately in a clip frame by an old bit of ribbon.

The teeshirt I bought is worn at least once a week, sometimes to work, sometimes to the gym, I like glancing in the mirror and seeing Winner emblazoned across my chest. It actually gets worn more than my 'Triathlon' teeshirt. Perhaps I am more proud of this achievement. Perhaps I was so pleased with how it went, I'm thinking of doing it again.

Nanowrimo 2010. completed. 50,000 words in the month of November written. story created, character developed.

Namowrimo 2011 is next.

I like to tell people that I am an office bod by trade, and a writer by heart. They like to smile and nod and say 'Isn't that lovely, have you had anything published?' then i look shamefaced and say that other than university stuff and a local writers group (both of which ended a number of years ago) I have not tried. Not really any way. Perhaps that is why the challenge of Nanowrimo appeals so much, I had never considered that I would even have 10,000 words of a novel in me, let alone somehow find a character to write 50,000 words on. I am quite proud of the story so far, the protagonist is a lot like me, but I like making up things for her to do, decisions that I might never get the chance to make, and risks that I wouldn't take, she has formed into this 20 something woman who i'd be proud to know.

Once you've written the 50,000 they don't tell you that you then have to edit it, to form it into something that someone else might want to read. That has been my problem, 10 months later, my novel has pen all over it, but that is it. It is no further forward.

So despite my at present hectic life, who knew developing a passion for sports and activities would take up so much time, I am thinking that November 2011 is going to be the next step. 1 month. 50,000 words. Not a new story, no new characters, just the next step along her story. I might be crazy. Annie's tale will be 100,000 give or take. My lunch breaks will be taken up, evenings when I'm not at training, weekends when I am not visiting people, jotted ideas scribbled across so many pages that I will get lost a little.

But I will report back, I will let you know whether I am a winner on the 1st December. Maybe someone might want to read it, maybe, just maybe, I can submit it to see if they'll publish it, then I might be able to reply to anyone who asks, 'yes, I'm a published author'.

'Atom and Dream'

(c) ninja921.wordpress.com

If you have ever ventured into the relms of Jeannette Winterson's vast collection of books, and stumbled across 'The Power Book' and read it, you may not have understood it, you may have enjoyed it, but you will know what the quote/title above means. It's been a theme in my live since the moment that I opened that book, it, in mind and my reading of the quote, covers the whole of existence in three words, there is the living, real world, and there are our dreams, our hopes our fears and our desires. I love that we are made of just two elements, there is the me, the physical me, and there is the me inside my head*.

Recently I have been trying to improve both these.




Before any comments are had that 'you are you, don't change' it is not about changing me, it is about becoming the best me that I can be, it is about taking what I have, the skills and the dreams and making my life count for something, even if it is just for me. (Cue singing dancing number from Glee as you imagine that I proudly fist pump and dance out of the room.)


Atom

If you have read this blog before you will probably know that I am doing a Triathlon (400m Swim, 19km Bike Ride and a 5km run), those of you out of my inner circle may also need to know that I have just joined a women's rugby team. For a very long time I have just accepted my body, my abilities, the way it moves, the way I am. And I like myself, I adore that I have red hair and freckles (it's one of the reasons my wife fell in love with me so i'm not going to argue), and that if I work a little bit my shoulders become muscly. But it wasn't enough for me, asthma and chest infections, and ankle pain and knee pain wasn't something that I was just going to accept, and live with. For the past 4 months I have been training, gradually letting my body discover some limits, and smashing them. I now try and do up to 3 hours of Ballet a week, I can bike ride for KM's and actually enjoy it, swimming isn't hard anymore, and best of all, I can run! Actually go for a god damn run. I am pushing myself physically, and it feels really bloody good. I enjoy not eating the choccy biccies too often, abstaining from alcohol and crap food sometimes, and hopefully I will feel (excuse the french) fucking amazing as I cross that finish line at the end of my triathlon. I can do things, and it feels good!**


** There is also a small amount of ego involved when you go running with a good friend and they comment on your good body in a tri suit... small things make me happy when you've put this much training in!

Dream

My internal self, or George as I sometimes call her (I don't have multiple personalities I just happen to like to have a cool name sometimes) has been through a lot, mainly thanks to myself. I won't go into details, but the idea of settling the seas upon which my boat rocks is a nice idea. Writing helps, putting words onto the white page, watching the flashing cursor jump and dance across the screen as a scene plays itself out across it. Instead of just relying on the sitting by myself tool of writing I am talking, to some of you, you could never imagine me being quiet, to some of you, I could never be loud, but I am learning to balance this out, thinking things through, talking and taking a deep breath calms George, calms me and helps me see how light the world can be. I've asked for things, instead of complaining that no-one understands, i've stood up and asked for it, the pulsing blood through my veins as I fought my self esteem was hard, but its amazing how zen you can feel when you take control. I may not be able to jump head first into a whole new life, but little things, help. I have whole weeks when I am calm, peaceful and content. Who knew 8 years ago that would happen. I'm looking after my dream and it doesn't feel selfish at all.


I fully accept that other people may take the quote from the novel, and twirl intricate meanings that are different from my own, but my life, as I have lived with those words for the past 6 years, has moulded these words to this.

It's been 7 months since I wrote about my new years resolutions, I've been editing my novel, I've been writing (though not enough) and in 5 days time I am going to run the South West Triathlon. For the next 5/6 months I think I need to work on my dream me, if I keep up this training and build my confidence the Atom will develop. Write more, submit more work to people, write articles, reviews general short stories, grow some confidence in my inner me and just feel like the words that are in my head have a voice.


Why don't you come along for the ride?



*I am desperate for these three words as a tatoo somewhere on my body, alas I cannot decide where so I shall wait until the inspiration hits.

Set your standards high ladies...

I've, over the years, had many conversations with friends about life and love; me listening, me talking, both of us crying into our beers talking about the 'ONE'.

Just this week I had another one, about trying to find someone, just a little other person (in this planet of millions) who wants to walk down the street, holding our hand, safe in the knowledge that they want us, just as we are, and we want them, just as they are. (Cue every girl in the world replaying 'that' moment from Bridget Jones Diary)

"I never want to work that hard, I just want someone that I can talk to, I want you just the way you are. I need to know that you will always be, The same old someone that I knew, What will it take till you believe in me, The way that I believe in you." (Billy Joel - Just The Way you Are)

We seem to spend our entire lives talking about this social construct, this idea that life is all about hunting for 'the one', the media, and films tell us every other weekend that romance is easy, that there is always a happy ending, but are we trying to find something that doesn't exist? Romance is wonderful, love is wonderful, I honestly feel that there is AT LEAST one person out there for everyone - sometimes, the right person is there, all along, just at the wrong time, sometimes the wrong person is there at the right time, who knows how this world really works - maybe that is why we spend some many hours and £ living our lives through the TV sets and cinema screens, hoping that for a short while, the idea of the perfect person, can exist.

When we look for someone to share our lives with, our 'sights' have been set from when we were little, we learn what we like, who we like, and the type of person we hope to meet along the road. But when we get further down the road, and that 'perfect' person just hasn't appeared, do we set our sights lower? or do we have to give in for a life of celibacy?

I haven't every really had a type, I was late to this whole idea of dating, accepting who I was and letting someone in, but I knew she had to read, had to like films, had to know that I would need protecting sometimes from the demons that appear, but for the longest time, I didn't think that person could ever love me, do the type of people we really want actually exist? Maybe.

All of my friends like different types of people, little traits that fit so perfectly with them that they make that 'whole' that consists of two separate parts, fine by themselves, but together so much stronger. But it would seem, these people aren't out there, or just aren't in the right place just yet. But what do you do when life gives you pineapples and all you want to make is Lemonade? What are we meant to do, not everyone has that little bit of hope sitting inside of them, knowing that just around the corner, if the stars align, that person is waiting for you.

In the end, maybe the best thing you can do, is not give up.

I set my sights higher, instead of trying to find someone to fit the standards I thought I wanted, I stopped, I set my sights so high that I didn't even look.

In the end, someone decided that little ol' me was worth the fight, that I was worth spending the time getting to know, and in the end, they have turned into the perfect parts of me, when I was looking, they were so far out of my league that I actually listened when people said they would never be interested, then I stopped looking, they found me, saved me, and it's now every-kind-of-wonderful about my life.

Why not stop looking, love yourself, love your friends, love LIFE... then the perfect person will find you, tomorrow? Maybe not, but if your life is wonderful, maybe someone will just fit right in!

'How honesty broke this lesbian heart'

or 'How teenage TV told the truth'.

*spoilers for UK people who haven’t seen the Glee and Pretty Little Liars episodes that aired w/c 7^th March*

I’m going to admit this right here, right now. I cried on Wednesday evening, curled up on my sofa with the laptop resting on my lap, with the only sound that could be heard were the racking sobs as I tried to compose myself. I was inconsolable, my wife came home, unsuspecting, and within minutes I was clutched against her again, feeling the sobs run through me. You would think now, (unless you know me personally of course) that something heartbreaking had happened, in a sense it had, I watched Glee.

Those of you in the UK may not be aware of the episode that aired on Tuesday night in the US, and some, like me, like to watch the brand new episodes so that you can have the delight of watching them twice. This episode, was different though, different from the rest of Glee, from the rest of anything really. It was honest. Heartbreaking, this was me, wish I’d not waited till I was alone, why didn’t I have this, honest.

Whether you like Santana as the bitchy cheerleader, or the crying vulnerable wreak we saw at the end, no-one can dispute Naya Rivera’s skills at portraying a feeling that EVERYONE, straight, gay, lesbian, bi, and all the others, have felt. The confusion of feelings, the pain at letting them out, and the heartbreak at admitting that everything could change.

And it’s not just Glee, I then watched ‘Pretty Little Liars’, some of you might look at me and ask why? Because it’s a really good show, and I didn’t know that Paige would do ‘that’ speech; I was delicate enough after Glee, but TV is finally being honest (and I am not complaining), yes, its drama, its heightened, it’s made glossy and shiney, but its honest. That pain that was burning across Paige’s eye’s when she looked at Emily and admitted, that, for now, she was so scared of everything changing, in a world that was always changing anyway (adolescence) that she couldn’t admit it, couldn’t admit that she was gay, that pain was real. That pain I felt sting my cheeks as I sat alone in my bedroom at university, knowing that perhaps, if I were honest, if I had the courage to open that door and talk to someone about what my heart was telling me, life would alter so epically that I might not even be left standing.

“If I say it out loud, if I say I’m gay – the whole world is gonna change.”

That pain that Santana felt, at the labels, at the confusion, at the complete emotional turmoil at admitting something like that, we’ve all had that, we may not have had the courage to say it out loud, to risk it, but we’ve all done it, straight, gay, lesbian, bi, whatever, we’ve all had that heart-wrenching moment when we realize that the prize is far greater than the risk, for Santana it was Brittney, for me it was the searing pain of realizing that I was falling in love with a best friend. I spent many a cold, lonely night sat on steps outside the union trying to gain enough courage to be in the same room as her, or to tell her. (in the end I was lucky, she kissed me, and then through the process of texts/emails we worked out what we could be). But dear god did it hurt in the process!

In Pretty Little Liars Paige has the experience of Emily to see how the world changes, we as the audience have already gone through everything with Emily, the pain, the heartbreak the sheer frustration and the inevitable let down of teenage life. She’s worried, but she goes to Emily, talks to her, and maybe, we might see in the long-term, that she finds the courage that we all, hopefully, inevitably find.

Santana and Britney, have the delightful (serious girl crush on her right now) Holly Holiday, she is exactly what those two girls needed, someone who didn’t judge, didn’t try to seem concerned, she just opened up the forum (with some killer jokes) and let them explore. I must admit to finding their talk with her, my downfall.

Until I went to university I was sheltered, not purposefully, not intentionally, but I was sheltered. Innocent, naïve; and looking back; very different from them all. What 16 year old, hasn’t kissed anyone but their first (and only) boyfriend at 12? What 16 year old wishes that somehow the empty loss in her would just go away, but doesn’t really know why it all doesn’t feel right, as if the body she is in isn’t really there, that it’s as if she is the ghost to her twin sisters reality. Come to think about it, there are probably countless/thousands of people just like me, but I hope, now, with the creation of these honest dialogues, these storylines that bring it to the forefront, that it’s ok to be confused, its ok to want something different, maybe now, even just a little, there will be a few less teenagers who don’t know, even if they have to work through their feelings, at least they know that someone, somewhere before them, has been there. I wish I’d had someone to talk to, it took me until I was nearly 19 to have ‘that’ conversation with anyone.

I’m excited to see the next steps in these journeys, to see if Paige, over the space of the series can find a small amount of courage to be herself (and I wish her all the best because I wish I’d even had the courage to talk to one person about my fear at that age). I’m excited to see if Britana will develop, and at this moment, I don’t care that Britney is with Artie, because as much as I want to wrap Santana up in a cuddle and never let her go, this is an honest story, so lets keep it so.

We all have so many stories to tell, we are all so different with different lives, lets see some more, different stories on TV. And I’m even proud to talk about the storylines with colleagues, with friends, with anyone who will god-damn listen, because this is big, this is visibility in US shows that people watch with their parents/siblings/friends and for once, lesbians exist!