*spoilers for UK people who haven’t seen the Glee and Pretty Little Liars episodes that aired w/c 7th March*
I’m going to admit this right here, right now. I cried on Wednesday evening, curled up on my sofa with the laptop resting on my lap, with the only sound that could be heard were the racking sobs as I tried to compose myself. I was inconsolable, my wife came home, unsuspecting, and within minutes I was clutched against her again, feeling the sobs run through me. You would think now, (unless you know me personally of course) that something heartbreaking had happened, in a sense it had, I watched Glee.
Those of you in the UK may not be aware of the episode that aired on Tuesday night in the US, and some, like me, like to watch the brand new episodes so that you can have the delight of watching them twice. This episode, was different though, different from the rest of Glee, from the rest of anything really. It was honest. Heartbreaking, this was me, wish I’d not waited till I was alone, why didn’t I have this, honest.
Whether you like Santana as the bitchy cheerleader, or the crying vulnerable wreak we saw at the end, no-one can dispute Naya Rivera’s skills at portraying a feeling that EVERYONE, straight, gay, lesbian, bi, and all the others, have felt. The confusion of feelings, the pain at letting them out, and the heartbreak at admitting that everything could change.
And it’s not just Glee, I then watched ‘Pretty Little Liars’, some of you might look at me and ask why? Because it’s a really good show, and I didn’t know that Paige would do ‘that’ speech; I was delicate enough after Glee, but TV is finally being honest (and I am not complaining), yes, its drama, its heightened, it’s made glossy and shiney, but its honest. That pain that was burning across Paige’s eye’s when she looked at Emily and admitted, that, for now, she was so scared of everything changing, in a world that was always changing anyway (adolescence) that she couldn’t admit it, couldn’t admit that she was gay, that pain was real. That pain I felt sting my cheeks as I sat alone in my bedroom at university, knowing that perhaps, if I were honest, if I had the courage to open that door and talk to someone about what my heart was telling me, life would alter so epically that I might not even be left standing.
That pain that Santana felt, at the labels, at the confusion, at the complete emotional turmoil at admitting something like that, we’ve all had that, we may not have had the courage to say it out loud, to risk it, but we’ve all done it, straight, gay, lesbian, bi, whatever, we’ve all had that heart-wrenching moment when we realize that the prize is far greater than the risk, for Santana it was Brittney, for me it was the searing pain of realizing that I was falling in love with a best friend. I spent many a cold, lonely night sat on steps outside the union trying to gain enough courage to be in the same room as her, or to tell her. (in the end I was lucky, she kissed me, and then through the process of texts/emails we worked out what we could be). But dear god did it hurt in the process!
In Pretty Little Liars Paige has the experience of Emily to see how the world changes, we as the audience have already gone through everything with Emily, the pain, the heartbreak the sheer frustration and the inevitable let down of teenage life. She’s worried, but she goes to Emily, talks to her, and maybe, we might see in the long-term, that she finds the courage that we all, hopefully, inevitably find.
Santana and Britney, have the delightful (serious girl crush on her right now) Holly Holiday, she is exactly what those two girls needed, someone who didn’t judge, didn’t try to seem concerned, she just opened up the forum (with some killer jokes) and let them explore. I must admit to finding their talk with her, my downfall.
Until I went to university I was sheltered, not purposefully, not intentionally, but I was sheltered. Innocent, naïve; and looking back; very different from them all. What 16 year old, hasn’t kissed anyone but their first (and only) boyfriend at 12? What 16 year old wishes that somehow the empty loss in her would just go away, but doesn’t really know why it all doesn’t feel right, as if the body she is in isn’t really there, that it’s as if she is the ghost to her twin sisters reality. Come to think about it, there are probably countless/thousands of people just like me, but I hope, now, with the creation of these honest dialogues, these storylines that bring it to the forefront, that it’s ok to be confused, its ok to want something different, maybe now, even just a little, there will be a few less teenagers who don’t know, even if they have to work through their feelings, at least they know that someone, somewhere before them, has been there. I wish I’d had someone to talk to, it took me until I was nearly 19 to have ‘that’ conversation with anyone.
I’m excited to see the next steps in these journeys, to see if Paige, over the space of the series can find a small amount of courage to be herself (and I wish her all the best because I wish I’d even had the courage to talk to one person about my fear at that age). I’m excited to see if Britana will develop, and at this moment, I don’t care that Britney is with Artie, because as much as I want to wrap Santana up in a cuddle and never let her go, this is an honest story, so lets keep it so.
We all have so many stories to tell, we are all so different with different lives, lets see some more, different stories on TV. And I’m even proud to talk about the storylines with colleagues, with friends, with anyone who will god-damn listen, because this is big, this is visibility in US shows that people watch with their parents/siblings/friends and for once, lesbians exist!
