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If you have ever ventured into the relms of Jeannette Winterson's vast collection of books, and stumbled across 'The Power Book' and read it, you may not have understood it, you may have enjoyed it, but you will know what the quote/title above means. It's been a theme in my live since the moment that I opened that book, it, in mind and my reading of the quote, covers the whole of existence in three words, there is the living, real world, and there are our dreams, our hopes our fears and our desires. I love that we are made of just two elements, there is the me, the physical me, and there is the me inside my head*.
Recently I have been trying to improve both these.
Before any comments are had that 'you are you, don't change' it is not about changing me, it is about becoming the best me that I can be, it is about taking what I have, the skills and the dreams and making my life count for something, even if it is just for me. (Cue singing dancing number from Glee as you imagine that I proudly fist pump and dance out of the room.)
Atom
If you have read this blog before you will probably know that I am doing a Triathlon (400m Swim, 19km Bike Ride and a 5km run), those of you out of my inner circle may also need to know that I have just joined a women's rugby team. For a very long time I have just accepted my body, my abilities, the way it moves, the way I am. And I like myself, I adore that I have red hair and freckles (it's one of the reasons my wife fell in love with me so i'm not going to argue), and that if I work a little bit my shoulders become muscly. But it wasn't enough for me, asthma and chest infections, and ankle pain and knee pain wasn't something that I was just going to accept, and live with. For the past 4 months I have been training, gradually letting my body discover some limits, and smashing them. I now try and do up to 3 hours of Ballet a week, I can bike ride for KM's and actually enjoy it, swimming isn't hard anymore, and best of all, I can run! Actually go for a god damn run. I am pushing myself physically, and it feels really bloody good. I enjoy not eating the choccy biccies too often, abstaining from alcohol and crap food sometimes, and hopefully I will feel (excuse the french) fucking amazing as I cross that finish line at the end of my triathlon. I can do things, and it feels good!**
** There is also a small amount of ego involved when you go running with a good friend and they comment on your good body in a tri suit... small things make me happy when you've put this much training in!
Dream
My internal self, or George as I sometimes call her (I don't have multiple personalities I just happen to like to have a cool name sometimes) has been through a lot, mainly thanks to myself. I won't go into details, but the idea of settling the seas upon which my boat rocks is a nice idea. Writing helps, putting words onto the white page, watching the flashing cursor jump and dance across the screen as a scene plays itself out across it. Instead of just relying on the sitting by myself tool of writing I am talking, to some of you, you could never imagine me being quiet, to some of you, I could never be loud, but I am learning to balance this out, thinking things through, talking and taking a deep breath calms George, calms me and helps me see how light the world can be. I've asked for things, instead of complaining that no-one understands, i've stood up and asked for it, the pulsing blood through my veins as I fought my self esteem was hard, but its amazing how zen you can feel when you take control. I may not be able to jump head first into a whole new life, but little things, help. I have whole weeks when I am calm, peaceful and content. Who knew 8 years ago that would happen. I'm looking after my dream and it doesn't feel selfish at all.
I fully accept that other people may take the quote from the novel, and twirl intricate meanings that are different from my own, but my life, as I have lived with those words for the past 6 years, has moulded these words to this.
It's been 7 months since I wrote about my new years resolutions, I've been editing my novel, I've been writing (though not enough) and in 5 days time I am going to run the South West Triathlon. For the next 5/6 months I think I need to work on my dream me, if I keep up this training and build my confidence the Atom will develop. Write more, submit more work to people, write articles, reviews general short stories, grow some confidence in my inner me and just feel like the words that are in my head have a voice.
Why don't you come along for the ride?
*I am desperate for these three words as a tatoo somewhere on my body, alas I cannot decide where so I shall wait until the inspiration hits.
